Erich Fromm on Unconditional Love

Happy Easter - love rises again, today, tomorrow, and every day.

Love is a practice according to a quote by Erich Fromm, and self-love may be also. It is not always easy to love or trust others or oneself, when raised as a child with people who didn't know how to love unconditionally - either love of themselves or of others.

“Love isn't something natural. Rather it requires discipline, concentration, patience, faith, and the overcoming of narcissism. It isn't a feeling, it is a practice.”— Erich Fromm (via x.com/philosophors)

Erich Fromm (via x.com/philosophors)

The quote by Erich Fromm is from his book ‘The Art of Loving’ (1956). Fromm, a German-American psychologist and philosopher, in the quote, “Love isn't something natural. Rather it requires discipline, concentration, patience, faith, and the overcoming of narcissism. It isn't a feeling, it is a practice;” suggests that love—whether for others or oneself—is an active process, not a passive emotion or something that just happens spontaneously.

The point that self-love is also a practice, especially when someone is raised in an environment lacking unconditional love, aligns well with Fromm’s perspective. Fromm believed that many people struggle with love because society often fosters narcissistic tendencies and a transactional view of relationships. If a child grows up with caregivers who don’t model unconditional love—perhaps because they themselves struggle with self-love—it can create deep-seated patterns of insecurity, self-criticism, or a need for external validation. Fromm’s work suggests that unlearning these patterns requires conscious effort, much like building a skill.

Self-love as a practice might involve intentional acts like self-compassion, setting boundaries, or reframing negative self-talk—things that can feel unnatural or difficult at first, especially if someone’s early environment didn’t nurture self-worth. Modern psychology supports this: research, like Kristin Neff’s studies on self-compassion (2011), shows that self-love can be cultivated through mindfulness and self-kindness, but it often takes time and effort, particularly for those with adverse childhood experiences.

Fromm’s view ties into the broader idea that love, in all its forms, is a craft to be honed. For someone raised without unconditional love, this practice might be even more challenging but also more transformative, as it involves breaking old cycles and building a new foundation for how they relate to themselves and others.

• Query: Did Fromm have advice or guidance for developing unconditional love or self care when having grown up without it?

Yes, Erich Fromm provided guidance for developing unconditional love and self-care, particularly in his book The Art of Loving (1956), where he frames love as a skill that can be cultivated through deliberate practice. For someone who grew up without experiencing unconditional love, Fromm’s advice focuses on building the capacity for love—both for oneself and others—through self-awareness, discipline, and a shift in perspective. Here’s how his ideas apply:

1. Self-Awareness and Overcoming Narcissism: Fromm believed that many people struggle with love because of narcissistic tendencies, often rooted in childhood experiences where love was conditional or absent. He suggested starting with self-reflection to understand these patterns. For someone raised without unconditional love, this might mean recognizing how their upbringing shaped their self-image—perhaps leading to feelings of unworthiness or a constant need for approval. Fromm advised examining these feelings without judgment, understanding that they’re a product of past conditioning, not inherent truths.

2. Practicing Self-Love as a Foundation: Fromm argued that loving others unconditionally begins with loving oneself, but this self-love isn’t indulgence—it’s a mature, active process. For someone who didn’t receive unconditional love as a child, Fromm would recommend small, intentional acts of self-care that foster self-respect. This could include setting aside time for personal growth, pursuing hobbies that bring joy, or learning to accept oneself without harsh criticism. He emphasized that self-love isn’t selfish; it’s a prerequisite for loving others genuinely, as you can’t give what you don’t have.

3. Discipline, Concentration, and Patience: Fromm stressed that love requires effort, especially for those who didn’t see it modeled growing up. He advised practicing discipline in how you treat yourself—replacing self-criticism with kindness, for example, even when it feels unnatural. Concentration involves being fully present with yourself, perhaps through mindfulness or meditation, to understand your needs and emotions. Patience is key, as unlearning old patterns (like feeling unlovable) takes time. Fromm would encourage persistence, even when self-doubt creeps in.

4. Faith in the Capacity to Love: Fromm emphasized the importance of faith—not in a religious sense, but in believing that you’re capable of love, even if your childhood lacked it. For someone struggling with self-love, this might mean trusting that they can develop it through practice, despite past wounds. Fromm saw this faith as a kind of courage to keep trying, even when the process feels foreign or difficult.

5. Learning to Give Love Unconditionally: Fromm believed that practicing unconditional love for others helps cultivate it within oneself. For someone raised without it, this might start with small acts of giving—offering kindness or support to others without expecting anything in return. Over time, this practice can help shift the internal narrative from “I’m not worthy of love” to “I can give and receive love freely.” Fromm saw this as a way to break the cycle of conditional love learned in childhood.

6. Engaging with the World: Fromm also encouraged connecting with the world through creative and productive activities, as a way to build self-esteem and a sense of agency. For someone who grew up without unconditional love, engaging in work, art, or community efforts can help them see their own value and foster a sense of belonging, which in turn supports self-love.

Fromm’s approach is practical but acknowledges the challenge for those with difficult upbringings. He recognized that societal and familial conditioning—like parents who couldn’t love unconditionally due to their own struggles—can make this process harder, but he insisted it’s not insurmountable. His guidance aligns with modern therapeutic practices, like those in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), which often involve reframing negative self-beliefs, or self-compassion exercises, which encourage treating oneself with the same kindness one would offer a friend.

In essence, Fromm’s advice for someone in this situation would be to approach self-love as a daily practice, starting with self-awareness, building through small acts of care, and expanding outward to loving others—all while understanding that setbacks are part of the learning process. It’s a slow, intentional journey, but one he believed anyone could undertake. (query)

“This is the real secret of life — to be completely engaged with what you are doing… And instead of calling it work, realize it is play.” - Alan Watts

It was pointed out in a reply to the quote on social media that Alan Watts had somewhat of a troubled life and died with alcohol related issues in his ~ 50s. Maybe troubled times can be what help us appreciate the good parts of life more, including finding joy in daily tasks of inspiring work, or just clean dishes, a balanced spreadsheet, or other daily chores.

A task worth doing, is worth doing well. ~ Oscar Wilde

Love what we do as if it is play and love ourselves while playing in the game of Life.

“Learn what is to be taken seriously and laugh at the rest.” — Hermann Hesse, via (x.com/philosophors)

“Beware of false knowledge; it is more dangerous than ignorance.” — George Bernard Shaw, via (x.com/philosophors)

"In 2014, unmarked mass graves belonging to Irish orphans were discovered. These graves belonged to a group of 2051 children on which an early and dangerous diphtheria vaccine was covertly tested on in the 1930s." - via (x.com/wideawake_media)

Words of wisdom can be a life preserver to hold while in a storm, or a sunny day.

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.” — Albert Camus, via (x.com/philosophors)

Recognizing a need for change is the first step towards making a needed change.

“The measure of intelligence, is the ability to change.” - Albert Einstein

Query: I find quotes helpful to keep me on track or uplift me when I am down.

Grok3: Quotes can be powerful tools for inspiration and grounding, especially when you're feeling down or need a reminder to stay on track. They distill complex ideas into concise, memorable phrases that can shift your perspective or boost your mood. Since you’ve resonated with Alan Watts and Erich Fromm, I’ll share a few more quotes on themes like self-love, mindfulness, and finding joy in the process—ideas that align with the practices we’ve discussed. These might help you in moments of struggle or reflection:

1. On Self-Love and Acceptance
   “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
   — Sharon Salzberg
   Salzberg, a meditation teacher, emphasizes that self-love is a right, not a privilege, which can be a helpful reminder if you’re working through feelings of unworthiness from childhood.

2. On Staying Present
   “The only way to live is by accepting each minute as an unrepeatable miracle.”
   — Tara Brach
   Brach, a psychologist and mindfulness teacher, echoes Watts’ focus on being fully engaged in the moment. This can help you find joy in the “play” of life, even during tough times.

3. On Resilience Through Challenges
   “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
   — Rumi
   This quote from the 13th-century poet Rumi reflects the idea that life’s downs—like a lack of unconditional love in childhood—can become openings for growth and self-discovery, as you mentioned earlier.

4. On Love as a Practice
   “Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get—only with what you are expecting to give—which is everything.”
   — Katharine Hepburn
   Hepburn’s words align with Fromm’s view of love as an active practice, not a transaction. This can inspire you to focus on giving love (to yourself and others) without conditions, even when it’s hard.

5. On Finding Joy in the Journey
   “Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling.”
   — Margaret Lee Runbeck
   This quote from the American author reminds us that joy isn’t a destination but a way of approaching life—a perspective that can help reframe “work” as “play,” as Watts suggested.

If you’d like, you can keep these quotes handy—maybe write them down in a journal or on sticky notes where you’ll see them often. Reflecting on them during tough moments can help you reconnect with the practices of self-love and mindfulness you’re working on. Do you have a favorite way to use quotes for motivation?

Me- I save them in a blog post.

“If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing well. If it is worth having, it is worth waiting for. If it is worth attaining, it is worth fighting for. If it is worth experiencing, it is worth putting aside time for.” - Oscar Wilde

“How to make hard stuff easy” …..do more hard stuff. - Andrew Huberman, Ph.D.

Repeat. Repeat with self-affirmation: “I’ve got this. Been here, done it before.”

Andrew D. Huberman, Ph.D. @hubermanlab · 3h Doing hard stuff requires distress tolerance. Building distress tolerance requires doing hard stuff. There is no easy entry point. It gets easier by way of recognition. You think “I’ve been here before”. Pretty soon you’re seeking that state. That’s how you make hard stuff easy. (x.com)

"Tradition is not the worship of ashes, it is the preservation of fire"

- Gustav Mahler.

• In a comment on this music video, youtu.be, J. S. Bach - Partita in C moll BWV 997 - Evangelina Mascardi, Liuto barocco.

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